A New Script
A dear friend once told me that familiarity breeds love. I think about this often, and apply it to people, places and things in my life. I suppose it's also important to acknowledge that the opposite side of the 'love' coin is equally present when it comes to familiarity. Antipathies among family, friends, and romantic partners can run as deep and be as intractable as the loyalties.
Why do we travel -- geographically, creatively, or in relationships? Among our contradictions is that we long to both discover the unknown, while also pursuing people or places that somehow feel like they already belong to us. Every man I've ever loved deeply has been funny and playful and has valued experience over material -- though each is unique. I have developed a love of Mexico over many years of traveling there -- exploring people, food, art, culture and natural beauty. I have a relationship with Mexico; it is familiar but will never be fully known to me, which is part of the fascination it holds.
After dreaming about it for years, Greece is fresh -- like a novel lover or new friend in whom you delight as you discover each dimension and contour. The woman who hosted us in her beautiful house on the island of Serifos felt immediately kindred -- like we already knew each other. When she declared, 'I love you' while bidding us farewell, and when she hugged me like someone she'd known for years, it felt natural and genuine. Chalk it up to the warmth, realness, and lack of pretension that characterizes Greek people -- but it also seemed like a particular connection. The same was true with Yiannis, aka 'Rex,' the musician whose nightly performances on the town promenade were as welcome and regular as the sunrise -- both to us, and to the people who worked in the seaside restaurants, bringing him bottled offerings as he traversed his catalogue of 10,000 songs in Greek and English.
It's remarkable the degree to which characters like Carrie Bradshaw and books like Eat, Pray, Love have informed the ways in which independent women move through the world. I was startled to hear Sarah Jessica Parker's voice yesterday, narrating in my imagination as I was seated at a blue-and-white-checked table by a waiter with eyes that could melt icebergs faster than climate change. He spoke contextual English, with a script limited to menu items. . . so coupled with my four phrases in Greek, our communication was quite specific. Of course, how can one be anything but adorable when basically mute? Perhaps this is the formula for harmonious unions. Joseph Campbell said that love is essentially massive projection anyway -- and the constraints of spoken language intensify the relational fantasy potential. I would venture to take it one step further and say that love is recognizing yourself in the other — and that the quality of that encounter depends entirely on which parts of you are being reflected.
In any case, it seems we may need a modified formula for relationships; the current script is faded and dog-eared, at best. I meet independent women from every country wherever I travel - apart from a single venture to Tunisia. . . and most men I know seem to live on a continuum of ambivalence about being committed to a partner, or being known in any sustained way. This could, of course, be my narrow and completely unscientific sample — drawing largely from Generation X and my own proclivities. It could also be that we are living the death throes of patriarchy, and we’re all scrambling to rewrite the stories that have shaped our expectations. It's also that I'm fortunate to have many people share their true feelings with me. This is, by the way, not a referendum on committed relationships; on the contrary, I admire the collaboration and courage and intimacy of many couples, including those I work with therapeutically. What is courage if it is not heart -- from the Latin cor, the seat of feelings. It takes tremendous strength to live the experiment of partnership, with all its challenges and vagaries. I just think we need a new or at least revised script.
For the moment, my script includes feta, Nescafe, and dreams of mythical beings. It includes scenes of other-worldly volcanic rock formations containing azure waters -- like book ends holding a library of stories, both known and unknown.